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Episode 66/Transcript
(there is a lineup at Pizza Street) Belinda: Oh, I know, I know, I know, I just cannot believe that it is her! I mean I cannot get that song out of my head. Amberlynn: Oh I know, it's just so catchy! Belinda and Amberlynn: (singing) I need you to leave my butthole! Cher Guy: Oh my God, I love your music so much! Deandra: Oh, why thank you! Cher Guy: You are like, almost as good as Cher. Deandra: Oh well, fuck you too! (throws the paper off of the table) Cher Guy: No no no, Cher's a good thing, like, the best thing! Deandra: Oh, must be talking about a different Cher then. Well thanks anyways I guess. Cher Guy: Thank you. You're amazing. Judith: Oh, hey Deandra! Rachel: Um, there aren't any seats here for us. Deandra: Hey good observation Rachel! Ok, who should I make this out to? Jenna Dapananian: Where the fuck have you two been? You were supposed to be here an hour ago! Rachel: We were at home! Judith: You never told us about this. Rachel: I had to find out about it from my fucking sister. She just sent me a text that said, "Ha ha, you're in trouble, dummy." Judith: Shouldn't we be signing signatures too? I mean, after all, it is the Deandra and the Poops! Jenna Dapananian: Oh my god, you guys are so behind! It's not Deandra and the Poops anymore. That whole thing with you guys as background dancers was not working out. Judith: Yeah, no kidding! Rachel: We never claimed to be dancers, Jenna. Jenna Dapananian: No yeah totally, you guys are music! You're the beats, you're production, you're that sweet sweet mix! So we've re-branded the group so we can better feature those talents! Judith: Oh cool! So what's the band called now?! (A sign saying "Appearing Live Today! Deandra Featuring: Daft Poop" is shown. Judith and Rachel are then shown wearing Daft Punk-esque outfits) Judith: I can't see what I'm signing! Rachel: It's hot as fucking balls in here! Judith: What? Why are there lights on inside of the helmets? Rachel: Aw! What's touching me? Judith: What am I touching? Rachel: What's touching me? Judith: What am I touching? Rachel: What's touching me? Judith: Ew, it's gross! Rachel: What's touching me? Jenna Dapananian: Wow, so this must be a pretty big deal for you guys, huh? Bridget: Oh yes, I am overjoyed. My panties are so moist. Any more excitement and I might need a new pair of jeans. Jenna Dapananian: So like what's your deal? Like, do you like to play in the snow, if you know what I mean. Like, hit up the ski slopes, do you know what I'm saying? Do you wanna like, take a train ride up ol' Nostril Mountain, or something? Like, choo choo! Do, do you do that? Do you like to play the—do you like to do that? Bridget: I'm going to go out on a limb and assume you're offering me cocaine. Jenna Dapananian: Ding, ding, ding! And what we do have for our winner, Vanna? A new car! (claps) I'm just kidding, it's cocaine. Bridget: Considering I'm at my place of work, it would probably be a poor idea to partake in narcotics. Also, I had a lot of heroin this morning. So...yeah, I'm good. Jenna Dapananian: Whoa, that's crazy! Terry: Hey hey hey, wow, Miss Dapananian, I gotta thank you again for choosing Pizza Street for this magnificent event, I think it's just going great! Jenna Dapananian: Fuck yeah it's going great! It's going fucking amazing! Terry: Best event in the history of Pizza Street! Jenna Dapananian: Best event in the history of Dapananian Talent Management Incorporated! Terry: I couldn't be happier! Jenna Dapananian: I couldn't be happier! Terry: I'm so excited! Jenna Dapananian: I'm so excited! Terry: I am on top of the world right now! Jenna Dapananian: I'm fuckin' coked out of my gourd! Terry: What? Jenna Dapananian: What? Deandra: Hey Jenna! Um, I thought we had talked about having pizzas with sausage and pepperoni, and right now I'm just seeing the one that has the sausage. Not trying to be a diva here, but you know if we could just— Jenna Dapananian: No, yeah, totally, yeah yeah yeah, no problem, I'll get, I'll get right on it. What the fuck Doleman! You trying to fuck me? Is that what you're trying to do? You're trying to fuck me up the ass? Terry: No, no, no, I'm sorry, I mean, we had pepperoni, I—I—I think she might've eaten it all. Jenna Dapananian: Oh so it's the talent's fault! You're gonna blame her! Is that how you run a business, Terry? Huh? Is that how you run a business? Terry: No, no, no, not at all! Please, Miss Dapananian, we are so sorry! Bridget, Bridget tell her how sorry we are! Bridget: We are not sorry at all. I couldn't care less. Terry: She doesn't mean that! She doesn't mean that! I'm gonna get that pepperoni taken care of right now! Jenna Dapananian: You'd better Terry! You'd better get this shit taken care of! Yeah! Git! Git, you son of a bitch! Judith: Uh hey Jenna, would it be possible for me to get some gluten free pizzas? Jenna Dapananian: Um, is that a—is that a thing you guys can do? Bridget: For her? No. Jenna Dapananian: It's not looking good Judith. Judith: What? Do we have to have this music piping directly into my helmet?! Rachel: What? Am I outside? I can't see or hear. You guys, you guys, am I outside? Jenna Dapananian: Ugh, I'm so sorry about them. Bridget: So are my parents. Jenna Dapananian: So, like, what are you—what are you getting into after this? Wanna, like, do something? Bridget: Well, I don't have much too planned for tonight. There's a dog fight behind the Sears on the edge of town, I have a potluck with some of my friends who are in a cult, and I have to bring the guacamole. I've got an event that's kind of like, uh, well you remember that movie Eyes Wide Shut? Jenna Dapananian: Oh, yeah. Bridget: Yeah it's like that but with only fat dudes. I'm gonna go see if there's any good finds behind the dumpster at the vet... for, you know, the cult. Jenna Dapananian: Oh my god, this coke makes me so horny! Do you wanna like make out or something? I don't know. Bridget: Wow that's so tempting, but I'm gonna pass. Jenna Dapananian: Boo! Terry: Hey, did I hear something about an offer to makeout? Jenna Dapananian: Ummm... ughhh... yeah, ok. (Terry and Jenna make out) Bridget: Is this jealousy I'm feeling? Nope, no, that's just the heroin tapering off. Deandra: Alright, and who would you like me to make this out to? Belinda: Oh Deandra, don't play, you know me from school! Deandra: Oh Deandra, Don't Play You Know Me From School! Strange name for a strange lady, here you go! Alright, ladies and gentlemen, I'm just gonna need a quick break for a minute. If you'll excuse me... I have to poop now! (leaves) Belinda: Oh my god! Oh my god, did you hear her? She said it! She fucking said it! Oh, I wanna have her babies so bad! Judith: What's happening now? You guys, somebody, I think Rachel's passed out. You guys? Guys? (at cheer practice) Mackenzie: Good afternoon Trishas. Trisha (and Trisha 2): Hi, Mackenzie(s). Mackenzie: Well, I'm glad you're here on time. We've got a lot to get through today. It's a very big day. Trisha 2: Oh no, is it April Fool's? Wait, why would I ask you, you're just gonna try and trick me! Mackenzie: No, Trisha 2, today is the day that we meet the new members of the Overland Park Cheer Squad! Trisha: Oh we're doing this again? Trisha 2: Oh no! Not more names! Trisha: Alright, alright, let me guess, is it Amberlynn Weggers? Mackenzie: No. Trisha 2: Ashley Katchadorian? Mackenzie: No. Trisha: Taylor McDevitt? Trisha 2: Tanya Berkowitz? Trisha: Connor Devarnan? Trisha 2: Cher Guy? Trisha: Jennifer McMinnimen? Trisha 2: Lunch Lady Belinda? Trisha: Oh, is it our moms? Trisha 2: Ooh, I'd love it if it was our moms! Trisha: Yeah I think a lot of people would like it if it was our moms! Trisha 2: I hope it's our moms! Mackenzie: It's not our moms. Trisha: Okay, alright, alright then, well, I really wish we hadn't built that up so much. Trisha 2: Yeah me too. Trisha: Well, I give up. Who are the new members of the Cheer Squad? Mackenzie: Look guys, there's no one at this school who can help us take care of Brittnay. She is out of control. Shay and her are trying to completely destroy me, and if they succeed, not only will I'' be gone, but this cheer squad will be gone. So I had to hire some outside help, I had to bring in some professionals. Since Brittnay has taken this Mercenary Cheerleader thing so goddamn seriously, I hired some Mercenary Cheerleaders of our own. These cheerleaders have been doing this for a ''long time. Girls, I'd like you to say hello to the new members of our cheer squad. Mercenary Cheerleader 1: Yo! Mercenary Cheerleader 2: Hello. Mercenary Cheerleader 3: Hey! Mercenary Cheerleader 4: Hello, so happy to be here! Mackenzie: Alright, Brittnay, game on, bitch!